"What's This Button Do?" Or How To Abort the Explosive Mission

Perhaps you're one of those people who has been granted a social circle----co-workers, friends and family, whose conversations proceed within acceptable decibel ranges, and disagreements and differing points of view are discussed calmly and rationally.  Maybe you've grown up in an environment where you rarely heard raised voices----if ever.   If you are not such a person, I'll lay odds that the escalating, explosive conversations that you have experienced, were in all probability, with a member or members of your own family.

I recently had such an experience with a member of my family, in which the two of us were reacting at higher and higher volumes, punctuated by the loud slams of a door.  (Note: I did not say 'communicating', because in any interaction which escalates to this level, communication ceases to exist).

I like to think of myself as fair-minded, rational and well-spoken. I can freely state though, that in the scenario mentioned above, I was not any of those things.  And here's the thing----I was cognitively aware that I had lost control-----even in the midst of losing control!   How and why did this happen?

At what point do we allow our 'button(s) to be pushed' that leads to total emotional-explosion?

I pondered this question for awhile. On the surface, it may initially seem like it is the issue of the "wrongness" with which one ascribes to the point of view being espoused by our "button-pusher".  I don't think "wrongness" is the issue though; because when it's a matter of "wrongness" to our way of thinking, it's just a simple matter of explaining what we believe to be the obvious 'truth' in our own point of view. We just need to speak a little slower, be a little clearer, present the logic behind our view,

and our own "rightness" will be revealed and made obvious to the one who is 'wrong'. In other words, there is hope that we will be heard.  And THAT's when I became aware of my 'destruction-button'.

My 'destruction-button' was pushed when I felt that I was not being heard.  My 'destruction-button' was pushed when I felt that the other person involved in this interaction didn't want to hear me. My 'destruction-button' was pushed when my actual experience in what was being disputed, was negated and ignored.  And when we feel we're not being heard, there is no hope for revelation of 'truth' or 'rightness' or 'acceptance of difference'. For me, this is what pushes my red, 'DESTRUCT' button.  I have a hunch that it may be at the core of whatever pushes anyone's buttons----but I'll just speak for myself.

The question I had to ask myself was, how can I abort the 'DESTRUCT' mission in the future? One of the things that occurred to me was akin to 'turn the other cheek'.  If you already know that the person with whom you are interacting tends to negate and not hear you, you enter the interaction with knowledge of the playing-field. You can disengage. Infusing drama/humor into the scenario can be helpful----for example, suddenly feigning stomach cramps (accompanied by loud retching noises), and bolting for the bathroom-----can quickly diffuse a situation. The problem with this is, it's a strategy that can only be used a limited number of times, before our 'button-pusher' starts to see a pattern! A less dramatic strategy is to let the other person speak, while we employ the mental discipline needed to not react.  Of course, the danger here is that this can lead to gradual overall emotional disengagement. If the other person is a friend who frequently negates/ dismisses us, it seems logical to me that this person probably won't remain a friend.  If it's a co-worker, and this is a frequent trope in the relationship, it seems logical to me that a change in department or entire venue might be in order.  We can't change family members----although we may have to emotionally disengage.

I'm curious. How do you prevent your buttons from being pushed?